So long, Paris.

So long, Paris.

I was born January 16th

I totally lack originality which is why I’m copying Rudy Fransico’s format except I don’t really know how to use metaphors. 

I’m 5’7” 

I’m the youngest of 5 girls which sucks in a billion ways

I’m afraid of the dark, heights, deep water, basements, cute boys, taxi’s, and expired food

I’m extremely shy if I don’t know you or if you intimidate me

but I can always have something to say

I absolutely hate hugs

especially emotional ones. 

If you’re crying and you want to hug someone better keep looking. 

I’m not cold-hearted, i’ve just been haven’t been raised all “touchy feely”

My parents are in their 50s but they act like they are 80.

We are kind of opposites, 

They like doing nothing and I hate doing nothing, I have to be proactive 24/7

Which means I organize-everything. Color code, labels, you name it and i’ve used it. 

I have been planning my wedding since I was 6 and my oldest sister got married

I’m not in a rush to get married or anything.

I’ve been in one serious relationship and that was the worst experience of my life. 

I don’t trust people anymore

I’m not happy but i’m not depressed and that’s just fine to me. 

I’ve never had a bestfriend

I take everything to heart, every joke every insult every-anything. 

I cry during disney movies because I think they are that good

I wish I could've liked high school

I gave up everything to be able to dance so I never got to go to many school activities 

I’ve missed out on a lot...

I started dancing when I was 14, compared to all the girls who danced since they were 5

I’m a bit behind.

It’s an intense world, you think being a normal teenage girl would make you insecure enough… being a dancer amplifies that by 100. 

Some days I think i’m too skinny, some I think i’m too fat. 

I really don’t know which is worse, being told i’m too skinny, or i’m too fat.

I'm in an awkward stage of life and I don't hang out much anymore. 

But I don’t mind. 

I dance 50 hours a week. That’s all I am right now. I’m not the best dancer but I don’t dance to be better than other people. I dance because I enjoy it. 

It’s indescribable… 

My name’s Brooke and I love orange juice, giraffes, blasting my music and the color purple

I don't sleep with a pillow

I have a bruise on my leg the size of china

Today will be my last day of high school. 

It hasn’t quite hit me yet but I have a feeling it will soon.

Goodbye Lone Peak. So long, Paris. 

& Thanks. 

Have you seen my glass slipper?

Once upon a time, I dreamed of being swept off my feet by my Prince Charming

Once upon a time, I dreamed of escaping this dull existence to go on daring adventures and live every day like it actually mattered

Once upon a time, I dreamed of a knight in shining armour defeating all the monsters in my mind, finally freeing me from all the criticism and insecurity i’ve been tormented with

Once upon a time, I dreamed of being a happy princess. What a deranged dream, right? Who’s happy nowadays?

Once upon a time, I dreamed.

Things are different now.

I’m full of the bitter taste of reality.

I’ve been told there’s no such thing as a happy ending.  There’s no such thing as fairy tales.

But I don’t want a knight in shining armour to come and fight my battles,

I don’t want all my problems to be fixed by a magic wand,

I don’t want to be constantly happy,

I will make things different. I want to make my own story. I want to have bad days so I can really appreciate the good. I want to fight my own battles and come out damaged but triumphant.

And I want to dream again.  

You should never agree to surrender your dreams. No matter what age, or how old you are... it's never too late to make your dream come true. Dreams are what keep you going.

Screw reality, I’m getting my fairy tale.

If all I am is one story…

it might not be like the disney stories,

but it’ll still be a damn good one.

And it’s just the beginning.

So tell me, have you seen my glass slipper?

Memories last forever.

I remember the good old days. I remember learning to tie my shoes. I remember telling scary stories in the closet under the stairs. I remember chasing the ice cream truck with no money in my pockets. I remember sleeping on the tramp~or even better, setting up a tent in the backyard and calling it "camping". I remember my imaginary friend who'd fly me to the moon. I remember Clear Creak. I remember playing little miss muffet in the first grade play(I rocked that role if I say so myself). I remember driving hours to my piano lessons from a julliard professor. I remember then quitting piano lessons. I remember my softball, tennis, and volleyball teams. I remember my first dance class. I remember watching my sisters all move out to college. I remember my first kiss. I remember gluing that kid to his chair~sorry 'bout that. I remember being the only girl who would play Yugio at recess. I remember what life was like before you got sick. I remember believing in santa, tooth fairy, and the easter bunny. I remember skip-its. I remember the tire swing that I never actually sat on. I remember my 5th grade teacher calling me Medusa~that bastard. I remember the monsters who lived under my bed. I remember saying my first bad word. I remember falling off the horse. I remember those hot summer days in Louisiana. I remember my secret hiding spot. I remember every mean word that boy said to me at age 11. I remember having to cancel my birthday party and my sister made a legit tea-party. I remember learning to ride a bike. I remember my old bunk bed. I remember having "secret clubs". I remember pretending to be asleep at my friends so I wouldn't have to go home. I remember stealing my sisters math textbooks because I thought math was fun. I remember lemonade stands. I remember my bruises. I remember playing volleyball over the fence with the neighbors on sunday because we technically weren't supposed to play with friends. I remember not knowing how to swim~that was only a year ago. I remember blanket forts. I remember filling up a bucket like a bubble bath, putting it on a skateboard then pulling my cousin around in it like she was a fancy lady in a bath tub. I remember how my grandma would smell on christmas. I remember cutting myself bangs. I remember when the baby alligator peed on my sister. I remember the first time I put on makeup. I remember the first day of elementary. and junior high. and high school. I could seriously go on for hours with this. I haven't thought about half of this stuff in so long! My new years resolution is to make memories that are worth remembering. :) 

A band-aid wont make this pain go away.

Constant pain. Not the physical pain like when you stub your toe on a door. The emotional pain. The kind that doesn't leave after you count to ten, you can't put on a band-aid and be all better. It continues to ache. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be friends with everyone, there was never a dull moment in my life... Now i'm friends with no one. I know what you're thinking. "Everyone has friends, you're being over-dramatic" I've even thought that myself. I never knew what it felt like to feel completely alone until now. Actually I don't want to use the word alone.. It's meaning has been tampered with. I'm going to use the word deserted. Because that's how I feel. Deserted. Deserted by (who I thought were) my friends, my family. Except i'm not left to die in the middle of a desert, which might actually be less painful. Instead I get to watch everyone I know live their lives, party with their friends, fall in love, spread gossip, everything that goes on and such. But i'm not really there. I can look someone right in the eyes and I know they don't see me. I'm a ghost-like I've already died, i'm a dead girl walking.
No, death would be different. If I were to die, suddenly everyone would see me. Everyone would grief and claim their so-called "relationship" with me. That's the funny thing about death. When someone dies, you often don't cry for them, you cry for yourself. Grief is a selfish emotion. Soooo if I were to die, i'd be giving all the people I hate more attention. That's definitely not my desire. I'll just stay invisible. 
I want to be seen. Yeah I do. Why else would I bother spending hours getting ready? I want to be seen. I used to be super outgoing.. I would get crap about talking too much. Now less than 50 words leave my mouth in a full day. (blogging doesn't count, but no one will probably read this anyways) Silence. I'm afraid of saying something stupid, which is usually the case. 
My insecurities consume me. When we wrote all the things we were insecure about ourselves in class, I didn't even have enough room on such a small note-card. "How do you expect someone to ever love you if you don't love yourself?" I guess I wont ever be loved. And I don't deserve love. I come with too many problems, I'd hate to make my problems someone else's. I've never told anyone about my real problems. No one. Because I know, the moment the words leave my mouth...it'll all become real. I don't want to accept the cold, painful, truth. Plus, if I do finally share my depressing secrets, I'd be looked at different. Pity--The look I get from the women in my ward. The reason I don't go to church anymore. I'd rather not be seen at all than looked at with those sad "feel bad for you" eyes. 
I don't know what to do anymore. The pain doesn't go away no matter what I do. No amount of pills can cure this kind of pain. I'm empty
sad
hurt
frustrated
lonely
afraid
And I don't want to be. I'm hoping. dreaming. Dreaming that one day it'll all change, (It has to, right?) maybe one day i'll know what it feels like to be happy. I'm surviving each day just to make it to the next. I'm not living, i'm surviving. 

Another sad chair.

Always here

                 but do you ever really notice?

Sad chairs.

There's no one sitting at the kids table anymore.

It's late and i'm sad.

I am nothing

and nothing is I

I have not adjusted to living

and life has not adjusted to me.

I am close to no one

and no one is close to me

Love is a game

a game I do not play

crying is for the weak

the weak is not I

laughter is for children

do I look like a child?

I am there for anyone

and no one is there for me

Friends are fakes and leave you in the end

I am fake, i’ll leave you first.

I see everyone

but no one sees me

Life is a waste

so why waste your time?

Death is horrible

and so am i.

I am nothing

and nothing is I