Currently 11:09

 
all we have is now. this moment will soon be gone. freeze time. these are my unspoken thoughts at currently 11:09.

Drinking :: orange juice. lots of orange juice.
Reading :: blog posts. why you all have to be so creative it blows my mind.
Wanting :: chocolate cake. who doesn't want chocolate cake?
Looking :: for a silver lining. everything has been pretty damn screwed up in my life lately and i've yet to find the positive outlooks on situations so keep your fingers crossed for me.
Playing :: Sudoku. call me a nerd but it soothes me.
Wasting :: the day. it's 11:09 & i have sat on my couch for the last six hours. there's a lot i really should have done but my lazy-self took over for today.
Eating :: fruit snacks. if it's possible to die from eating too many fruit snacks i'll definitely be the first to find out.
Wishing :: that i had some friends. because i have none. gotta love spending weekends by myself.
Enjoying :: having my heater on full blast and wrapped in a blanket. i'm a blanket burrito.
Waiting :: until monday. call me crazy but i love weekdays and hate weekends. guess that's what happens when you have no friends so you're weekends are lonely and depressing.
Liking :: the fact i graduate soon. i wish i enjoyed high school more... oh well.
Wondering :: what my life would be like if i hadn't met that one boy: the one person who taught me what it felt to love and be loved, and then left me as if i were nothing. left me broken and alone. i wonder what my life would be like if i had all that time for my real friends...instead i pushed them all away for him. BIG MISTAKE.
Loving :: being single. i can finally say that i'm 100% with it and i am definitely not looking to change my status anytime soon
Hoping :: i'll get into the college program i've been working my ass off for months to get into.
Marveling :: at the fact i've made it this far. there have been so many points in the past year that i've wanted to give up but i'm so proud that i haven't. yay!
Needing :: a hug. 
Listening :: to my parents fighting. well sorta fighting. more just yelling about things that should be dealt with. my dad just doesn't realize when something is out of his hands... the one thing he can't seem to fix...
Smelling :: applesauce. i forgot to throw away the container so my room is filled with the scent of cinnamon applesauce.
Wearing :: your average girls winter outfit...leggings, mens sweatshirt, fuzzy socks. only the best ;)
Noticing :: that there is a bruise on my stomach that i have no idea where it came from. weird.
Knowing :: that i always feel excluded, but really i exclude myself. i need to be more willingly social.
Thinking :: HA! too much is on my mind...my thoughts consume me.
Trying :: to be happy. kinda hard when my emotions are swinging out of control every two seconds. thanks hormones.
Feeling :: like a ray of sunshine. (tired, sore, depressed, hungry, etc.)

Child protégé.

Found some of my work from the younger years. Some might have called me a child protégé.

....Is it possible to die laughing?

just me and my thoughts.

This post is about what we are thinking, right? So I'm going to do just that. Think and write. No deleting. No theme. No purpose really. Just thoughts. Probably wont make any sense at all but that's ok.

i really hate writing. i don't see myself as a writer.. (sorry nelson. you prob shouldnt read that. but if you did then i love writing!) frankly if i never have to write another thing in my life i would be happy. in practically every english class i have had some of my super talented friends "help" me write.  that's secret. ha. i do get in really sad moods and i'll randomly find the desire to write something but then it just ends up like a poem that's dramatic and i'm not a dramatic person. it's funny..i can talk non-stop for hours on end never running out of stuff to talk about but the minute i sit down and like, write something my mind goes blank. if someone were to just record me talking then write it down that would probably be much better. the thing with writing, for me, is i ov don't just write..i have to think every thing through and by the time i write it down my self-critism tells me it's not good enough and i have to change more. that's about the time i throw in the towel completely. i do love reading. someone wrote on the board in class that their favorite book was perks of being a wallflower. i've heard that book was really good so today i decided to read it. now i've read all but the last 50 pages. i really do love it. the main character has a pretty suckish life but you don't read all about how sad he is or that he complains a lot. he is pretty freakin optimistic. i try to be optimistic but i kinda fail at it. my BIGGEST PET PEEVE-teenagers that complain day and night about their petty little problems to get attention. the girl a friend of mine only talks about herself and how "rude" her parents are to her and how she has no friend. honestly i could slap her. i would trade for her life in a heartbeat. she's never been hit before, ignored, she has parents who care about her, her friends would do anything for her. shut up woman. i think the people who complain the most-have the least to complain about. 

some days i really do believe that i am alone. yeah every teenager says that-but i can't convince myself otherwise. i can't remember the last time someone was sincere and asked me how i was doing or if i was ok. maybe it's because i'm not ok and i can't remember the last time i was. i don't tell people about things i have been through or i'm going through because i know they will look at me different. i think that's why i don't like going to church. everyone comes up to me asking what they can do to help. what am i supposed to say? "just bring more dinners" i really am tempted to say that sometimes. my ward is excellent cooks.

i can't remember the last time i i don't wanna make this a sob story. who am i kidding. my life is a sob story. ive cried every day for 3 months ish. i'm not an emotional person is the ironic part. did i use that word right? does anyone use that word right? anywho. there's only one person who has seen me cry. and i thought i was in love with him. i thought he loved me. boy was i wrong. i used to be the type of girl that never got close to anyone..i basically was a lone sailor. i've had some bad experiences involving guys that i havent told anyone about even though i probably should. anyways, then i started dating him and he became my first real best friend. i saw him as my best rfriend but he just saw me as a girlfriend=the title. the makeout buddy. the go to. he broke the heart i didn't think i even had. i can't even pretend to be happy anymore. tbh i think i forgot what it feels like to be happy. im not just putting my, i mean blaming him for why i'm so sad all the time. because my happiness doesn't depend on a boy. but it does depend on a friend. people who know me think i have a thousand friends. i dont wanna call them friends. they are all more like life buddies. a friend should be more than that. i cant even count the number of times i have been there for someone to cry to, helped them get through something. but after i do i'm just whatever. that pisses me off. sooooo much. whatever. i guess i'm fine being alone all the time. i spend an unhealthy amount of time alone. i've made it this far so gold star for me! i'm done writing now. i'm gonna go eat fruitsnacks.