A band-aid wont make this pain go away.

Constant pain. Not the physical pain like when you stub your toe on a door. The emotional pain. The kind that doesn't leave after you count to ten, you can't put on a band-aid and be all better. It continues to ache. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be friends with everyone, there was never a dull moment in my life... Now i'm friends with no one. I know what you're thinking. "Everyone has friends, you're being over-dramatic" I've even thought that myself. I never knew what it felt like to feel completely alone until now. Actually I don't want to use the word alone.. It's meaning has been tampered with. I'm going to use the word deserted. Because that's how I feel. Deserted. Deserted by (who I thought were) my friends, my family. Except i'm not left to die in the middle of a desert, which might actually be less painful. Instead I get to watch everyone I know live their lives, party with their friends, fall in love, spread gossip, everything that goes on and such. But i'm not really there. I can look someone right in the eyes and I know they don't see me. I'm a ghost-like I've already died, i'm a dead girl walking.
No, death would be different. If I were to die, suddenly everyone would see me. Everyone would grief and claim their so-called "relationship" with me. That's the funny thing about death. When someone dies, you often don't cry for them, you cry for yourself. Grief is a selfish emotion. Soooo if I were to die, i'd be giving all the people I hate more attention. That's definitely not my desire. I'll just stay invisible. 
I want to be seen. Yeah I do. Why else would I bother spending hours getting ready? I want to be seen. I used to be super outgoing.. I would get crap about talking too much. Now less than 50 words leave my mouth in a full day. (blogging doesn't count, but no one will probably read this anyways) Silence. I'm afraid of saying something stupid, which is usually the case. 
My insecurities consume me. When we wrote all the things we were insecure about ourselves in class, I didn't even have enough room on such a small note-card. "How do you expect someone to ever love you if you don't love yourself?" I guess I wont ever be loved. And I don't deserve love. I come with too many problems, I'd hate to make my problems someone else's. I've never told anyone about my real problems. No one. Because I know, the moment the words leave my mouth...it'll all become real. I don't want to accept the cold, painful, truth. Plus, if I do finally share my depressing secrets, I'd be looked at different. Pity--The look I get from the women in my ward. The reason I don't go to church anymore. I'd rather not be seen at all than looked at with those sad "feel bad for you" eyes. 
I don't know what to do anymore. The pain doesn't go away no matter what I do. No amount of pills can cure this kind of pain. I'm empty
sad
hurt
frustrated
lonely
afraid
And I don't want to be. I'm hoping. dreaming. Dreaming that one day it'll all change, (It has to, right?) maybe one day i'll know what it feels like to be happy. I'm surviving each day just to make it to the next. I'm not living, i'm surviving.