just me and my thoughts.

This post is about what we are thinking, right? So I'm going to do just that. Think and write. No deleting. No theme. No purpose really. Just thoughts. Probably wont make any sense at all but that's ok.

i really hate writing. i don't see myself as a writer.. (sorry nelson. you prob shouldnt read that. but if you did then i love writing!) frankly if i never have to write another thing in my life i would be happy. in practically every english class i have had some of my super talented friends "help" me write.  that's secret. ha. i do get in really sad moods and i'll randomly find the desire to write something but then it just ends up like a poem that's dramatic and i'm not a dramatic person. it's funny..i can talk non-stop for hours on end never running out of stuff to talk about but the minute i sit down and like, write something my mind goes blank. if someone were to just record me talking then write it down that would probably be much better. the thing with writing, for me, is i ov don't just write..i have to think every thing through and by the time i write it down my self-critism tells me it's not good enough and i have to change more. that's about the time i throw in the towel completely. i do love reading. someone wrote on the board in class that their favorite book was perks of being a wallflower. i've heard that book was really good so today i decided to read it. now i've read all but the last 50 pages. i really do love it. the main character has a pretty suckish life but you don't read all about how sad he is or that he complains a lot. he is pretty freakin optimistic. i try to be optimistic but i kinda fail at it. my BIGGEST PET PEEVE-teenagers that complain day and night about their petty little problems to get attention. the girl a friend of mine only talks about herself and how "rude" her parents are to her and how she has no friend. honestly i could slap her. i would trade for her life in a heartbeat. she's never been hit before, ignored, she has parents who care about her, her friends would do anything for her. shut up woman. i think the people who complain the most-have the least to complain about. 

some days i really do believe that i am alone. yeah every teenager says that-but i can't convince myself otherwise. i can't remember the last time someone was sincere and asked me how i was doing or if i was ok. maybe it's because i'm not ok and i can't remember the last time i was. i don't tell people about things i have been through or i'm going through because i know they will look at me different. i think that's why i don't like going to church. everyone comes up to me asking what they can do to help. what am i supposed to say? "just bring more dinners" i really am tempted to say that sometimes. my ward is excellent cooks.

i can't remember the last time i i don't wanna make this a sob story. who am i kidding. my life is a sob story. ive cried every day for 3 months ish. i'm not an emotional person is the ironic part. did i use that word right? does anyone use that word right? anywho. there's only one person who has seen me cry. and i thought i was in love with him. i thought he loved me. boy was i wrong. i used to be the type of girl that never got close to anyone..i basically was a lone sailor. i've had some bad experiences involving guys that i havent told anyone about even though i probably should. anyways, then i started dating him and he became my first real best friend. i saw him as my best rfriend but he just saw me as a girlfriend=the title. the makeout buddy. the go to. he broke the heart i didn't think i even had. i can't even pretend to be happy anymore. tbh i think i forgot what it feels like to be happy. im not just putting my, i mean blaming him for why i'm so sad all the time. because my happiness doesn't depend on a boy. but it does depend on a friend. people who know me think i have a thousand friends. i dont wanna call them friends. they are all more like life buddies. a friend should be more than that. i cant even count the number of times i have been there for someone to cry to, helped them get through something. but after i do i'm just whatever. that pisses me off. sooooo much. whatever. i guess i'm fine being alone all the time. i spend an unhealthy amount of time alone. i've made it this far so gold star for me! i'm done writing now. i'm gonna go eat fruitsnacks.

28 reasons I don't have a boyfriend

• I HATE TEXTING
• i dance more hours a week than a full-time job
• i'm annoying like 75% of the time
• can't cook. i caught mac-&-cheese on fire. yeah it's possible
• i hate swearing yet some days i sound like a sailor
• how do you flirt? ....if you were a potato...you'd be a good one. 
• i'm a morning person
• i'm terribly insecure and still, i act conceited.
• i'd rather wear sweats and a t-shirt than a pretty dress and heels
• i'm blunt
• i always have to have the last word
• i'm indecisive
• i'm a five year old at heart. like, that should not be taken lightly.
• i burp louder than any man
• i don't like to "vent" or "cry on your shoulder"
• can't sing but that doesnt stop me from belting my heart out to any music
• im too skinny
• i didn't forward that chain message a few years back and now i'm forever alone
• i tend to care too much
• i've already had my heart broken
• i can eat more food in one sitting than most girls can in a day
• i really hate shaving my legs
• i have too high of expectations
• awkward
• i really hate making eye contact while i'm talking to people
• a boyfriend is like a new puppy...you have to feed it, play with it, and it's hair is EVERYWHERE
• i'm anti-social
• i can't date myself

Shut up heart.

It's sorta funny, when people tell me to listen to my heart. 
I try to, but my brain just says "shut up and think first"
I overthink everything and I'm never satisfied. 
It's basically a curse. 
Whyyyyy is it so difficult for me? 
I'm consumed by-no I'm controlled by fear. 
Fear of failure, fear if disappointment, fear of making a fool of myself. 
I can’t hear what my heart thinks because my brain won't be quiet for one short minute. 
Except maybe it's a good thing...not listening to what my heart might have to say. 
Cuz it might be setting me up.
Trying to hurt me.  
I've heard enough stories from people whose heart has been broken to the point of no return. 
I don't want that. 
It's like an iPhone. 
Once you break it, it's super difficult to fix. 
And even once you fix it.. it's never the same as it was when you first took it out of the box. 
So how about you shut up, Heart. I don't care what you have to say.  
For now I’d rather be safe than sorry. 

It's for your own good.

Mirrors.

One step, two step

with no resonating click. 

 No walls in my solitude

and no being beside me.

Yet, thousands surround me 

while I stand alone.

 

With smudged muck between every figure.

All one, of one complexion.

The glass wall, shielding me from forever

stands laughing as I stare.

And the single faint light from above

flickers from its final thread.

 

Yet a shout from that infinity

stops the beating heart for a moment.

The light has been outlived and shatters 

Showering darkness around the forgotten room.

But the floor quivers.

The voice from without grows louder. 
 

And the walls tremble, 
                 then fall in tinkling bliss.

The eternity is open, and the cheer emerges.

One step, two step.

The world is found.

Flowers in the fall

Flowers in the fall,

Shine brightly before their end,

Last breathes until frost.

The winds in the fields,

Moaning the wanderer’s tune,

A cheerless lover.

The red and orange leaves,

Covers the lamenting tree,

As new times approach.

ik dans, mwen danse, i ddawnsio

Everybody communicates-the true way they speak to the world. Words are meaningless to me.  All my real feelings come out while dancing and moving. Even within languages there are language barriers. Oftentimes people don't understand each other's true intentions even if they do speak the same language. Dance breaks down any need for words. It unites people universally. Thus, I am fluent in any language. I am fluent in everything, because I dance. 

CRACKED HEART.

A shrill shrieking echoes,

As disturbing panic drills into the mind.

It is blinding of the ears as they vibrate,

Horrible dread wails through and grinds.

The ringing distress tears and shakes.

But the mourning will never see the end.

The sound flares in you heart and makes you shiver,

Terrifying as it may be, the depression has no friend.